Hell, Thy Nameth Is Sleep Training

Actually, real hell is potty training, but I'll save that for another post. Tonight's post is about sleep training.

"What?" you ask.

No, we are still not sleeping through the night.

Yes, the baby is almost 18 months old.

Yes, we know this is wrong.

No, we haven't been motivated enough to do anything about it.

Yes, I'm aware this is lazy parenting.

We've been baaaaaaaaad. Really bad. And you'd think the third time 'round we would have it down. Princess G was so easy, she practically sleep trained herself. In fact, I think she did. She was very systematic about it. She tapered down from 3 night feedings, to 2, to 1, and then she just started sleeping through the night. It was easy. I thought all kids did it that way until I had J. He was much, much harder because his allergy/skin issues would cause him to wake up every couple hours just screaming from discomfort. He didn't sleep through the night until we got his allergy issues under control, which was a full year and a half. But even then, we rarely put him in bed with us. We just roamed the hallways, bumping into walls, alternately cursing and praying to God, any God, to please PLEASE let us get some sleep, already.

And now there's Roo.

Like I said, she's spoiled. Badly. She doesn't even really have to cry. She stands up, calls out "Mama!", and when I walk in there she's waiting with her blanket in one hand and dolly in the other. Then I take her into bed with us for the rest of the night. Sometimes, (and this is really really bad) she'll wake up before Mr. C and I even go to bed and we'll actually argue over who gets to hold and cuddle with her on the couch.

I know. We made our proveribal bed, and now it's time to (not) sleep in it.

So last night I decided enough was enough. I'm tired of getting squished into a corner of my own bed while Roo sprawls herself out in the middle. And as much as I love Roo's feathery soft baby hair, I'm tired of waking up to it tickling my nose. I'm tired of sleepwalking down the hallway because some pint sized sleep-sucking Nazi has given me my orders, and I'm tired, tired, TIRED of interrupted sleep.

I told Mr. C that I was going to start sleep-training Baby Roo. He said "She's not sleeping through the night? I never even hear her cry!"

That's cuz you snore through all of it, Mr. C. All of it.

(Feel free to go through the above paragraphs and change those "we's" to "I's". Truthfully, I was just trying to be diplomatic.)

Anyway. So last night I woke to Roo calling me. I ignored it for 5 minutes, which ended up feeling like 5 hours because hearing a little tiny voice expectantly call "Mama! Mama?" while knowing that a)she's naively and sweetly expecting you, and b) you're cold heartedly ignoring her, can be torturous and guilt inducing.

So, then I remembered an episode of The Supernanny where the Supernanny taught the mom to stay by the child's crib while the child cried it out. The said parent was just supposed to sit near the baby but not make any eye contact. That way, the child wouldn't harbor any bad feelings of abandonment while simultneously learning to self-soothe. So, I grabbed my pillow and went down the hall to crash on Roo's floor.

And that's when it got just plain ridiculous.

Roo could not have cared less about any abandonment issues. Girl was just PISSED OFF that I was in there and not picking her up. She SCREAMED in the most blood curdling god-awful way for at least 40 minutes. I know it was at least 40 minutes because after laying there facing the wall for that long(god forbid I make eye contact), I thought "Well, maybe a cup of water will calm her down." That's when the kitchen clock told me it'd been at least 40 minutes.

After that, it was "Well, maybe if I put a shirt in there that smells like me."

Then,

"Well, maybe if I reach through the bars and hold her hands."

Then,

"Maybe if I just pick her up for a minute and sing to her."

The last one she actually fell for, but as soon as I put her sleeping little self back down in her crib, she commenced her screaming.

I can not tell you how long this went on. I can only tell you that I fell asleep to the sound of her screaming. When I woke up again, it was silent and I crept down the hall to return to my own bed. I collapsed there, thankful that the ordeal was over.

I bet you can guess what happened 10 minutes later:

"Mama! Mama?"

So tonight we begin round 2. Wish me luck. There's no going back now. I'm deep in the trenches. I'll let you know how it all ends.

You all have a good (restful) night!