Settling

One day back in 2003 I was packing up my cute little condo in Palm Springs to move in with Mr. C and 9 when the phone rang.  It was my ex- boyfriend calling (after a year and a half of being non-communicado) to see if I would be interested in "starting something up" again.  You may be thinking that that sounds somewhat cocky of him- and it was- but I confess to be mostly to blame because I had let this person get way too comfortable with keeping me on a hook for the better part of 7 years.  I, being thrilled to have the final ball in my court, gleefully informed him that I was not only going to be married in a matter of weeks, but that I was also pregnant and expecting a baby in 8 months or so.

Now had this conversation occurred today, I probably would have handled it better.  However, between you and me,  I think we need to acknowledge that this little scenario is the stuff that every jilted girl dreams of.  I mean, the climax of movies, books, and plays throughout time are written around this scenario, right?  A very mature 28 year old woman would have handled things with compassion and love, however I admit that I was no mature 28 year old.  I was happy-no- I was absolutely filled with joy at the opportunity to use my happiness as a weapon against him.  Today I can regret this and feel sad that I was so cruel, but like I said, in my immature mindset I was not about to waste this once in a lifetime Lifetime Movie Moment.  I was mean, and the more despairing he was, the meaner I got until he finally got mean back.  He accused me of 'settling' for  Mr. C.

Well.

Tomorrow Mr. C and I celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.  Obviously, I did not 'settle' for him by a long shot.  While I know that 8 years is nothing to really toot your horn about when one's talking about the long haul of marriage, I do think it's been a long enough time to teach me this:  sometimes loving someone is easier than liking them.  I've loved Mr. C every minute for most of the last decade, but there have been times when I haven't liked him much- and I know that likewise is true for him in regards to me. (I'd love it if I knew that there were people out there who found that hard to believe.  Anyone out there?  Anyone?)   Anyway, those were always our hardest times.  They are always our hardest times.  When people say that marriage is work I think that's the part their referring to- finding a way to make sure that you still like your partner.  Mr. C and I have had our rough patches, but overall we've managed well.

Here's something else I've learned about marriage:  it's really unpredictable.  I know people who met each other in their teens who are still blissfully happy today, and other high school sweethearts who's marriages blew up in their faces 10 years later.  I know people who married after a short courtship and are still together, while others dated for 12 years, married, and divorced after two.  I don't think there's any rhyme or reason.  In fact, a friend and I discovered this while having a deep conversation about relationships:  when you're married, you have to learn to accept things about your partner you will never be able to change.  On the flip side, you also have to accept that life and circumstance will often change your partner before your eyes.  No one is the same person at 60 that they were at 20.  Being married means that you have to love your partner and yourself through all that plus run a household together, manage finances together, raise children together, care for your parents, care for your pets, care for yourself.  It doesn't stop.  It's very....... unsettling.

So tomorrow while driving through some back roads in Temecula Wine Country with my husband, I know that I'll be thinking about 3 things: first, how lucky I am to get to a whole day to myself road tripping with my best friend.  Second, I'll be thinking about how much I have in the present to be thankful for.  Third, I'll be thinking of how happy I am to be so unsettled with the best guy I ever was accused of settling for.

I'll also probably be thinking about wine a lot.  We'll be in the Wine Country, so that's natural.

Finally, in case any of you were wondering about the ex... I've heard through the grapevine that he's happily unsettled himself these days.  See?  Everything happens for a reason and all is right in the world.

You all have a good night!