Shut Up Tacy

A few years ago (okay, like 15 years ago but it feels like a few which is what counts, right?) I had an English professor in college who assigned us to research our first, middle, and last names.  That meant, at that time, I would be researching the names Tacy, Kay, and Herrington.  To be honest, I didn't think I would find much, especially for Tacy since it's unusual and never in my lifetime before had my name come through for me in any kind of positive way.  You see, I grew up in the 80's..... a time when the personalization of kid products hit the market and every little girl had a unicorn embellished license plate for her bike with her name emblazoned on it- except for me.   I'd twirl the racks which displayed the personalized plates and trail my fingers down the rows, past the Tracys, Stacys, Caseys, but never was there a Tacy.  Not once.

It still hurts.

Not really.  But I have often wondered if my great grandmother, whom I was named after, also had to deal with calling banks, DMV's, or government offices because official documents get printed out to a Tracy.  You see, people automatically assume that an "r" was left out of the name on the original form.  Or if she got tired of having to repeat her name over and over to new people she was introduced to (and if she ever just finally gave up, as I have at times, and let the new person just think her name is Stacy).  Or if lame college boys ever asked her if she was "tasty", har har.  Or if she ever traded name tags with bus boys at work because it was easier to pretend to be a Jose for the night than to deal with customers at her tables who, upon learning that the name on her tag was printed correctly, didn't see anything wrong with inquiring if her mother knew how to spell properly.  Did she get as tired as I do of explaining?  I'll never know because she passed away shortly before I was born, but I do know that when my parents announced to her that they were going to name me after her she said "Oh, don't you dare do that to that child!"

I don't think they took her seriously.

Despite all this, I'm honored to be named after her.  She was a great lady with a great name, and I like it.  In fact, I stubbornly like it.  It's my name.  It's me.  Those people who are rude or stupid about it can go off and spread their stupidity into other corners of the world- they don't bother me none.

Going back to the assignment though, after doing my research it did become clear that despite the peace that I have with my name, it's definitely not one that would bring good juju to a child in any sense.  "Tacy" is Latin in origin and means silence, or 'to be silenced'.  One resource I found said that it was a name used most often in the 16th century, and it was given as a reminder to a girl of her place.  In other words, my name was a metaphorical gag given to girls as a reminder to sit down and shut up.

Humph!

It doesn't even get better from there.  "Kay" means left handed fool, and "Herrington" originated in Wales from a fishing family.

So, in short, you can say that my name means "Shut up, you left handed, foolish, smelly fisherman!"

It's a lovely legacy.

(By the way, in marrying my husband, I have dropped the fisherman part, and replaced it with a name that is derived from a successful group of horse thieves.  So now I'm "Shut up you left handed horse thief!"  Not much better.)

Anyway.  Although the origins of the silence part can be offensive to a modern day woman such as myself, it does kind of fit me in a way.  I've been trying to find a way to explain to you guys what I mean by this for a while now, and I think the best way to do it is to first ask you to watch something.  (for your viewing pleasure, it's a little bit of the mid-90's version of Brad Pitt.  I know- and you're welcome.)

You never could have convinced me the first time I saw that movie that in 20 years that scene would come off as corny.  I'd have been crying too hard anyway to listen to you.  However, it does strike me as corny now- which makes what I'm about to say equally corny (and I do so hope that I'm not offending anyone who's had a stroke/caring for a loved one who's suffered a stroke, etc.).  When I saw that movie, it occurred to me that I was Anthony Hopkins' character.  I have things to say, it's all in my head, but it's such a struggle for me to get it out and articulate it in the moment.  I don't believe that I think in words, I think I think in feelings, which can be  hard to translate into words quickly, and that is why I tend to like myself more in writing. I've learned this about me.  Writing gives me time to process my thoughts and feelings and put them in words.  I joke with myself that if I could just carry an iPad around my neck and write my thoughts to people, I'd be happier with my interactions.

So, the irony here is that my whole life I've been carrying this name that means "to be silenced", and it was the better part of 36 years before I realized the lesson that life was trying to teach me: to quiet myself more often and just listen.  It's not a bad thing to be "the quiet girl".  I think I used to know this about myself, but then adolescence hit, along with the need to be liked, and I started drowning out my insecurities with chatter.  Since then what I've learned is that too often I wasted both breath and words putting in my two cents,  when if I had just listened more, my thoughts would've doubled in value.

So why am I sharing this with you?  I don't really know.  It's more personal information than I usually share on here.   I guess I felt you should know this about me.  What goes on my head is usually much better than what comes out of my mouth.  There.  I said it.  It's a source of frustration for me, but it's also a blessing because I'm learning to know myself.  I'm Tacy.  I'm  quiet, and I'm glad we had this talk.

 What I mean to say is..... "am happy".