Oh, okaaaaay. I guess I can write about it too.
A few weeks ago, I was enjoying a meal with some people. They are people who matter to me, and it's important that I mention that, because had the same conversation been with people who I didn't care about, you wouldn't be reading this. You see, I was misunderstood, or rather, what I do was misunderstood, and while I can brush off being misunderstood by random friends or acquaintances, being misunderstood by people who matter just.... well, it sucks. It takes up a lot of head space.
We were having a perfectly pleasant conversation when the subject of me going back to work was brought up. This is a term that has always rubbed me the wrong way, because it can easily be construed to suggest that I've not worked in the six years since I left the classroom to be a mom. Now I know, and you know, and the Lord above knows that I have worked harder in these last six years than I ever had at any job in my entire life- and that's saying a lot; especially when you consider that I spent my early twenties waitressing in a coffee shop out here where the senior citizens used to make me do things like puree their Turkey Gumbo soup. (That was so they could eat it because they forgot their dentures at home. True story.)
So. As I was saying, the term "go back to work" caused me to bristle, but I smiled past it because while perhaps the semantics implied that I've been on a six year vacation, most likely what these people really meant was "When are you going to go back and earn some real money?" In hindsight, I should've been smart and given them a polite version of "None of your business.", but instead I informed them that I probably wouldn't be going back to the classroom. This caused eyebrows to be raised (and once again, my skin... it bristled).
While I won't recount the rest of the conversation, I will tell you that by the time it was done, I had been compared to a family friend of theirs who apparently is much better at life than I ("Well, she works full time with three kids and she manages okay."), reminded that "every job has it's good and bad side" (as if the 15 years of experience in the work force and 10 years of parenting hadn't made that clear to me), and then made to feel that if I only had a job with some security, my husband could take bigger risks in his job (so, WOW... I've been holding him back. Who knew?)
All of a sudden, instead of feeling like a Mother, a Wife, an Educator, a Woman, I felt like a wifey.
To make matters worse, all of this was said in a we're trying to help you tone that was so incredibly condescending.... and I just sat and nodded through it all.
Because I hate confrontation.
Because I hate disappointing people.
Because I don't know how to tactfully stand up for myself.
Because I was frozen by the feeling of not being enough.
Now, I don't need any affirmations. I'm not writing this with the hopes that you all will comment and reassure me that I'm doing a great job, that I'm a great mom. I know that I am doing as well as any other mom out there, and that in my kids' eyes, I'm imperfect perfection (HA!). Eventually, when Roo is in school full time, I'll find my way back to a career- though I believe my path is heading more towards student advocacy, or some kind of home-to-school connection role. In the meantime, I've created a part-time job for myself that allows me to work around my kids' schedule and grow in my field while bringing in a small income, and I'm REALLY proud of myself for that. In fact, I think I've kind of kicked ass in this whole mom-kid-work-juggling routine. So, trust me, no affirmations needed.
In fact, even just in writing this, I feel a little less angry. I know that these people live by a "make as much money as you can for as long as you can" philosophy, which is very different from my "Do the best you can everything will work out in the end" philosophy. Both ways have their perks and their flaws. What bothers me the most about this is the fact that they are never going to get me. They'll never understand our family. For me, money is a thing; the way soccer practice is a thing, the way doctor appointments are a thing; the way good food is a thing. It's a part of life, and while of course, OF COURSE more money would be nice, I know that more of it wouldn't change anything that matters for the better, because all the things that matter here are already as good as they can be.
Nonetheless, now I am faced with the task of making the opinion of these People Who Matter, matter less. And that's a really hard thing to do- like growing an extra layer of skin.
Or pureeing Turkey Gumbo soup in a malt tin for the old folk.
I wouldn't wish either on anyone.
Thanks for listening.
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