Beginning today, we have exactly 26 days of school left.
Want to know how I know that? I'll tell you.
I know we have exactly 26 days of school left because the school's annual flyer that announces the ABC COUNTDOWN showed up in the backpacks this week.
Does your child's school do this? Do you know what it is? If you believe the flyer's explanation, it's "a fun way for us all to enjoy the end of the school year!" The first year, I believed the flier. Truly, I bought into it one hundred percent. I pulled that colorful paper with the cute clip art out of PG's Kindergarten sized backpack and I was all "Ooooohh CYYYYUUUUUTTTTE!!!!!!! Look, baby! We're counting down to the end of school! Tomorrow you get to bring an apple to your teacher! How FUN! Then it's Bad Hair Day! And..... cool! Look! Wednesday is Canned Food Drive Day! This is sooooooo adorable! "
Then I commenced the next 26 days of assembling last minute costumes for "Future Career Day" and "Western Day" and having to make a stop at the grocery store on the way to school to pick up a rose for "Bring a Rose to Your Teacher Day" and cans of food for "Canned Food Drive Day", and...... let's just say that my enthusiasm for the whole thing had waned when it was all over. By a LOT. It's not that I don't appreciate the school's efforts to make the end of the school year fun..... I love that my kid's school does fun little "extras" like this. It's just that 26 "extras" at the end of the school year when I'm at a crawl and the finish line is just riiiiiiigggghhht there, is a little.....um.... well, it turns out that it sucked. Like, really hard.
The next year, I pulled out the flier and I'm pretty sure that my expression was that of a parent whose child had just handed over a "gift" of soggy Kleenex found on the ground. I managed a weak "Yay!" and a forced smile while cursing under my breath. Then I silently walked to the fridge where I
hung the ABC COUNTDOWN Calendar and looked forward to the day- 26 of them to be exact- when I would take it down and rip it into millions of teeny-tiny itsy-bitsy little shreds. Because I am passive- aggressive that way.
Before I go on, I'm going to stop and put my hand up, because I know what some of you are probably thinking of me right now. You're thinking that I'm a kill joy. A sour puss. A disrespectful nuisance to the teachers and staff who create fun stuff like this for our kids to enjoy. And to you, I say... just stop. Stop right there. Let's be honest for a moment.
There are 26 days of school left. Aren't you tired? Don't answer that. You'll probably try to lie to prove your point. I'm going to just tell you..... girl, whether or not you admit it, you are tired! Your kid is tired. Your kid's teacher is tired. We are ALL tired. And it's okay. It's okay to be tired. It's even okay to do the cursed ABC Countdown, but do we have to be genuinely excited by it? NO! No we do not. I mean, you can be excited about it if you want. I wouldn't understand it, but I guess we could still be friends (after a short period of separation, because I would need it to gain some new perspective on you). But the rest of us, we'll go ahead and fake it a little for the kids, because that's why we're doing this, right? It's fun for the kids; the way the Elf on the Shelf thing is fun for the kids, the way the Tooth Fairy is fun for the kids, the way Chuck E. Cheese is fun for the kids. We just grit our teeth and do it. For the kids. Yay, kids.
However. Because I am passive-aggressive and not a little dorky, I did come up with a fantasy version of the ABC Countdown that caters to parents. If I was the boss of the world, this is the list I would be sticking on a flier and ending the school year with:
A- Alarm Clock Banishment Day. Turn them off and get a taste of what summer vacation will be like.
B- Bad Hair Day. Parents, don't worry about doing your kid's hair. Take the extra time and enjoy a second cup of coffee. You deserve it!
C- Celebrity Gossip Magazine Drive Day. Stock up on your summer reading by exchanging gossip magazines.
D-Drink With a Straw Day. Whatever you put in the cup is up to you! (wink!)
E-Every Excuse Flies Day. Dog ate your child's homework? Did your alarm not go off? We're taking all excuses, no questions asked on this day!
F- Eff the School Parking Lot Day. Nothing really different about this day. We all think it. Now it's just official.
G- Get to School Whenever Day. Go on, you and the kids sleep in. You get here when you get here.
H- Homework Pass Day. No homework after school. Wheeeeeee!
I- I Don't Care Day. Tired of battling your kids over clothing choices? Hairstyles? Whether or not they brushed their teeth? Take the day off! It's I Don't Care Day, so you don't have to care.
J- Just Putting In the Time Day. Again, nothing really different about this day except that it's the truth we're all living at this point and now we're acknowledging it.
K- Kids Make Their Own Lunch Day.
L-Lazy Day. That's what they all are at this point.
M- Make You Kids Give You a Massage Day. Seriously! Refuse to feed them until they comply.
N- No Need to Come to School Day. No explanation needed.
O- Organized Parent's Stay Home Day. Honestly, you just make the rest of us look bad, so if you are one, hurrah! Enjoy your day off. The rest of us will enjoy a day free of guilty comparison and feelings of inadequancy.
P- Project Recycling Day. Got a project due? Today your child has a pass to just re-turn in an old project that they did at some point in the previous year. No sweat!
Q- Quit Trying Day. This day actually occurred sometime at the beginning of May, but again, we're here just to make it official.
R- Recycle a Project Day- see "P" above.
S- Slap a "Stupid Driver" Sticker on the Car of Any Dumb Drivers Who Frequent Our Lots Day. If you've been holding back frustration in the school parking lot, now is your chance to let off some steam.
T- Tardy Free day. It's like Sleep In Day, but with a different name.
U- Useless Information Day. It's going in one ear and out the other, so let's let it all go. (See letter Q if you need clarification.
V- Valet Parking Day. Complimentary valet parking in the school lot. Enjoy a stress-free drop off and pick up!
W- Wine Day. Duh.
X- Xtra Hour Day. No hard start or finish times! Pick up your kids anytime in the hour before or after school.
Y- You Are Almost There Day.
Z- Zip Up Your Backpacks and Go Home Day.
That one is actually a real day on the kids' ABC Countdown. It's their favorite day. It's mine too.Twenty Six Twenty Five days until we are there! Hang in there, parents!
Want to know how I know that? I'll tell you.
I know we have exactly 26 days of school left because the school's annual flyer that announces the ABC COUNTDOWN showed up in the backpacks this week.
Does your child's school do this? Do you know what it is? If you believe the flyer's explanation, it's "a fun way for us all to enjoy the end of the school year!" The first year, I believed the flier. Truly, I bought into it one hundred percent. I pulled that colorful paper with the cute clip art out of PG's Kindergarten sized backpack and I was all "Ooooohh CYYYYUUUUUTTTTE!!!!!!! Look, baby! We're counting down to the end of school! Tomorrow you get to bring an apple to your teacher! How FUN! Then it's Bad Hair Day! And..... cool! Look! Wednesday is Canned Food Drive Day! This is sooooooo adorable! "
Then I commenced the next 26 days of assembling last minute costumes for "Future Career Day" and "Western Day" and having to make a stop at the grocery store on the way to school to pick up a rose for "Bring a Rose to Your Teacher Day" and cans of food for "Canned Food Drive Day", and...... let's just say that my enthusiasm for the whole thing had waned when it was all over. By a LOT. It's not that I don't appreciate the school's efforts to make the end of the school year fun..... I love that my kid's school does fun little "extras" like this. It's just that 26 "extras" at the end of the school year when I'm at a crawl and the finish line is just riiiiiiigggghhht there, is a little.....um.... well, it turns out that it sucked. Like, really hard.
The next year, I pulled out the flier and I'm pretty sure that my expression was that of a parent whose child had just handed over a "gift" of soggy Kleenex found on the ground. I managed a weak "Yay!" and a forced smile while cursing under my breath. Then I silently walked to the fridge where I
hung the ABC COUNTDOWN Calendar and looked forward to the day- 26 of them to be exact- when I would take it down and rip it into millions of teeny-tiny itsy-bitsy little shreds. Because I am passive- aggressive that way.
Before I go on, I'm going to stop and put my hand up, because I know what some of you are probably thinking of me right now. You're thinking that I'm a kill joy. A sour puss. A disrespectful nuisance to the teachers and staff who create fun stuff like this for our kids to enjoy. And to you, I say... just stop. Stop right there. Let's be honest for a moment.
There are 26 days of school left. Aren't you tired? Don't answer that. You'll probably try to lie to prove your point. I'm going to just tell you..... girl, whether or not you admit it, you are tired! Your kid is tired. Your kid's teacher is tired. We are ALL tired. And it's okay. It's okay to be tired. It's even okay to do the cursed ABC Countdown, but do we have to be genuinely excited by it? NO! No we do not. I mean, you can be excited about it if you want. I wouldn't understand it, but I guess we could still be friends (after a short period of separation, because I would need it to gain some new perspective on you). But the rest of us, we'll go ahead and fake it a little for the kids, because that's why we're doing this, right? It's fun for the kids; the way the Elf on the Shelf thing is fun for the kids, the way the Tooth Fairy is fun for the kids, the way Chuck E. Cheese is fun for the kids. We just grit our teeth and do it. For the kids. Yay, kids.
However. Because I am passive-aggressive and not a little dorky, I did come up with a fantasy version of the ABC Countdown that caters to parents. If I was the boss of the world, this is the list I would be sticking on a flier and ending the school year with:
A- Alarm Clock Banishment Day. Turn them off and get a taste of what summer vacation will be like.
B- Bad Hair Day. Parents, don't worry about doing your kid's hair. Take the extra time and enjoy a second cup of coffee. You deserve it!
C- Celebrity Gossip Magazine Drive Day. Stock up on your summer reading by exchanging gossip magazines.
D-Drink With a Straw Day. Whatever you put in the cup is up to you! (wink!)
E-Every Excuse Flies Day. Dog ate your child's homework? Did your alarm not go off? We're taking all excuses, no questions asked on this day!
F- Eff the School Parking Lot Day. Nothing really different about this day. We all think it. Now it's just official.
G- Get to School Whenever Day. Go on, you and the kids sleep in. You get here when you get here.
H- Homework Pass Day. No homework after school. Wheeeeeee!
I- I Don't Care Day. Tired of battling your kids over clothing choices? Hairstyles? Whether or not they brushed their teeth? Take the day off! It's I Don't Care Day, so you don't have to care.
J- Just Putting In the Time Day. Again, nothing really different about this day except that it's the truth we're all living at this point and now we're acknowledging it.
K- Kids Make Their Own Lunch Day.
L-Lazy Day. That's what they all are at this point.
M- Make You Kids Give You a Massage Day. Seriously! Refuse to feed them until they comply.
N- No Need to Come to School Day. No explanation needed.
O- Organized Parent's Stay Home Day. Honestly, you just make the rest of us look bad, so if you are one, hurrah! Enjoy your day off. The rest of us will enjoy a day free of guilty comparison and feelings of inadequancy.
P- Project Recycling Day. Got a project due? Today your child has a pass to just re-turn in an old project that they did at some point in the previous year. No sweat!
Q- Quit Trying Day. This day actually occurred sometime at the beginning of May, but again, we're here just to make it official.
R- Recycle a Project Day- see "P" above.
S- Slap a "Stupid Driver" Sticker on the Car of Any Dumb Drivers Who Frequent Our Lots Day. If you've been holding back frustration in the school parking lot, now is your chance to let off some steam.
T- Tardy Free day. It's like Sleep In Day, but with a different name.
U- Useless Information Day. It's going in one ear and out the other, so let's let it all go. (See letter Q if you need clarification.
V- Valet Parking Day. Complimentary valet parking in the school lot. Enjoy a stress-free drop off and pick up!
W- Wine Day. Duh.
X- Xtra Hour Day. No hard start or finish times! Pick up your kids anytime in the hour before or after school.
Y- You Are Almost There Day.
Z- Zip Up Your Backpacks and Go Home Day.
That one is actually a real day on the kids' ABC Countdown. It's their favorite day. It's mine too.
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