Hey there.
The following is a post that I actually wrote a couple of years ago when Princess G was 2 or 3. I wish that I could say that it's one of my favorites because it's a reminder of how things used to be, but unfortunately my children still think that the Big Bad Wolf lurks in the shadows of our house (maybe it'd help if I got rid of the giant dust bunnies that live there?). Anyway, the truth is that it's one of my favorite things I've written because it still stands as true today. Also, you might want to reconsider following the advice at the end about how to help your child overcome their fear, for obvious reasons stated above. We're all about baby steps in this household.
Anyway, here it is. Have a good day, everyone!
One can never tell what lurks in the imagination of a three year old. My daughter is currently fascinated with all things scary. This has been going on for several months now, but as Halloween draws closer, it is escalating. As we pass the Halloween aisle at our local Target, she will pull on my hands and insist on stopping to look at the plastic skeletons and rubbery monster masks. If I deem a certain movie off limits to her because it’s too scary, she begs and whines and insists that she’s big girl enough to see it. She’ll seek out the Halloween books that we have on our bookshelves and spend long moments staring at the pictures of ghosts, goblins, and spooky haunted houses. She never seems bothered by anything she’d seen. In fact, her little fearless attitude gave me the mistaken impression that my daughter was not going to have issues with imaginary monsters under her bed.
Silly me.
I’m not sure what sparked it, but for the past couple of days now, my daughter has an irrational fear of The Big Bad Wolf. Once it gets dark outside, she becomes this clingy child, following me around the house like a shadow and refusing to leave my side. She believes that the Big Bad Wolf is lurking around the corner, in the closets, and yes, even under her bed, just waiting for the right moment to jump out and nab her.
This fear developed suddenly and took me by complete surprise. I felt unprepared as to how to handle it. And I must say, I’ve bungled it up quite a bit. I started out very patient, speaking rationally to her about how the Big Bad Wolf was just a pretend character. Now, anyone who knows 3 year olds would know that they are, at times, the very definition of irrationality, so needless to say, this tactic did not work. So, the next thing I did was to decide to play along. We got a flashlight and together we searched every dark corner of the house looking for our friend Big Bad. The plan was that when we found him, we were going to introduce ourselves and invite him to tea. Well, my daughter had a lot of fun with this, but come night time, she was still clinging to my leg and terrified of running into who I thought was our newly found friend.
By this time, I was completely annoyed and frustrated. I found myself ridiculing her and even sometimes yelling at her for her fear. My mommy instincts were telling me that I was way, way off course, but I didn’t care. I was desperate for a second of solitude, even if it was just while I used the restroom.
So one night, in a voice that I’m sure mimicked Jack Nicholson in The Shining (you know- when his eyebrows are all arched and crazy like, and he’s hissing through his scary grin “Wendy, I ain’t gonna hurt ya) I asked her to just be a big girl and practice being in her room by herself while I went down the hall to the restroom alone. She had nodded solemnly, eyes wide, agreeing to the seriousness of the task. I got all the way down the hall and was halfway through my business, when I heard the frantic rush of her feet. She burst through the door, fell at my feet, shook her head and said in a small voice “That was as brave as I can be, mommy.”
I felt like a complete schmuck. I looked down at her earnest little face and my heart broke into a million pieces. I knew that this wasn’t a game to her and she wasn’t doing this to annoy me, yet that’s how I was treating the whole situation. In her little world, this fear was as real to her as my fear of snakes was real to me. And I realized, if I came upon a snake (shudder and god forbid) I wouldn’t need someone there to rationalize my fear or ridicule it. I would need someone to be brave for me and support me and perhaps to bring me a change of underwear. I got so caught up in being the parent and dealing with getting rid of the fear that I forgot to look at it from the little person point of view.
So for now, here’s how I’m handling the Big Bad Wolf. I don’t make a big deal about him. When she follows me around, I remain silent and let her. When she’s afraid to get a toy out of her room by herself, I go with her to get it without asking why. When she mentions Big Bad, I listen to her and sometimes quietly remind her that he’s just pretend, but I always am careful not to undermine her fear.
So, I don’t know if this is going to work in the long run, but it feels better than what I was doing before. And those mommy instincts are telling me that she’s getting better. My advice to parents who are going through this stuff? Treat the fear with respect, even if it does drive you nuts. You’ll get farther faster and your kids will still love you in the end. And oh yeah, you might want to consider burning the fairy tales.
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