Hey all.
Sorry bout that silly title. This has been a really difficult post to put together. It's taken me a couple of days, so I'm a little loopy. The above mentioned beer is definitely deserved.
Let's get started, shall we?
I've been a reader of mommy blogs for about two years now. I read other varieties of blogs too... I read teacher blogs and food blogs and gossip blogs and fashion blogs. Sometimes I even read finance blogs, but that's only because I have this false vision of myself as a well rounded person so I force myself to try to care about things like finances and stocks. (Which, by the way, never works. After years, I still don't know what NASDAQ stands for and I'm still not totally confident that Dow Jones isn't a person.)
ANYWAY, in my 2 years of blog reading, I've noticed that somewhere in their archives, most mommy bloggers have a post that either proclaims or rejects themselves in relation to the term "mommy blogger". It seems that the term carries a negative connotation- like we're all just a bunch of silly smitten mommies who feel a need to share with the world the mundane routine of life with our wonderful snot nosed brats.
So, mostly because I am a smitten mother who feels the need to share with the world the mundane routine of life with my snot- nosed brats, I don't have a problem with the term mommy blogger. In fact, I'll go ahead and piss off a couple of feminists and say that in my opinion, it's partly the fault of the feminist movement if people perceive modern day mommies as bubble headed martyrs. I'm not sure when it happened- maybe when more women began entering the work force, but I believe that it started becoming so that just being a mother wasn't good enough anymore. I think it became this larger than life thing and mommy martyrdom took over. Maybe it was because the traditional stay at home mothers felt excluded when mothers began entering the work force. Or maybe it was because the feminists felt that the stay at home mothers needed validation. Or maybe the feminists and all the working mothers wanted to include the stay at homers. I don't know. All of a sudden it seems that parenting was being defined, and studied, and theories were built on it, and there were books and magazines and methods and kids no longer just played at each other's homes, no, they had playdates and parents had to worry about quality time versus quantity time and blah blah blah blah blah.
I think it's all silly. If you know me, you know that the only method I follow is the KISS method- Keep It Simple Stupid. I feed my kids, I bathe my kids, sometimes I play with them, sometimes I tell them to leave me alone, I laugh with them, I take them to school, I help them with their homework, and I keep my fingers crossed that I am raising polite and pleasant children who will hopefully become happy and productive members of society. I do all this with the knowledge that it's all a crapshoot anyway, because you know...... The Butterfly Effect and all. My power is limited. My control is limited. It's in another's hands.
Anyway. Back to my point.
Since the term didn't bother me, I wasn't going to write a manifesto-like post defining myself as a mommy blogger or not. But then I read this post at HerBadMother, and I am telling you, this woman always makes me think long and hard about things. She pointed out that historically there has not been a public forum for women to discuss their experiences of motherhood- in most cultures it's been silenced in one form or another. She pointed out that when people sneer when speaking of mommies and mommy work, it's because historically this was not usually work that was revered. It's been labeled as silly, mindless, endless, not life important- just necessary. And I started thinking, "Hey! Yeah! What is up with that?" I thought about all the times that the "sneer" is obvious- from snarky radio dj's to people in the grocery store rolling their eyes at me when I'm trailing a load of kids, to the most loathesome reference to kids that I've ever heard: "crotch droppings". (Actually, that'd be kind of funny if it wasn't so derogatory.)
So, for the sake of standing up to the sneer, it looks like I'm writing that post after all, the one where I claim the term "mommy blogger". Here I am. I am a mommy blogger, but don't you dare sneer at me. You can sneer at my content, that's fine. But don't sneer at who I am. Because this is really the hardest work I've ever had to do. It requires the most patience, the most risk, the most fear, the most willingness to, as the quote says, "let your heart go walking around outside your body". I'll spare you all the speech about what parenting takes out of you, partly because most of you have kids and you already know, and then partly because those of you who don't have kids don't need the whole martyr speech.
I hate the martyr speech.
Can I just end also by saying that I live everyday with the full awareness that someday the children in my life are going to grow up and leave? I know that this is just what I'm doing now. In the long term, this is just a little precious piece of time. I know I have to keep in touch with that other person inside me, the one that was there before the kiddos came along. The one that likes to read and think and be creative. She's really the reason why I write- and she's the reason why I don't just write gushing posts about my kids. I write about cooking and books and faith and loss. But yes, I write about my kids too, because they happen to be my job (my heart) right now (forever). But when they leave I'll need that other me around. Until then, I feed the beast with the writing of these stories. So don't sneer at this mommy blogger okay? Because there's nothing sneer worthy about motherhood, just like there's nothing sneer worthy about any job that anyone takes to their heart. If it's in your heart, then the story is worth telling.
I think that's my new motto.
You all have a good night.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wish You Were Here
Hey all.
You know, this last year I've been thinking a lot about how lucky Mr. C and I are to have the people and connections in our lives that we do. When my oven breaks, I have a grandfather who (even at the age of 86) will come over, lay flat on his back on my kitchen floor, dismantle the innards of my oven and diagnose the problem as a broken ignitor, thus saving me hundreds of dollars and a call to the Maytag Man. When my brakes go bad, I call my brother in law who works for a mechanic and my problem is solved at a third of the cost that the dealership would charge. I have a friend and my mother in law who both happen to be hair stylists, so it's rare for anyone in our family to pay for a cut and ahem, color. And then there's my best friend who happens to work for AEG- an international company in the music industry who own concert venues all over the world. That's how Mr. C and I go to Coachella every year. And this last weekend, that's just what we did.
We had fun, but I got the impression from people at times who I told we were going to Coachella that they thought we were dumb- like we were too old to go and trying too hard to hang onto our youths. Or maybe that's just my insecurities reading too much into people's reactions.
My insecurities are annoying that way.
At any rate, if that in fact really was what a few people thought, then oh well. I don't worry about them because they don't get it. It's my friends who do get it that I was thinking about- the ones who understand that it's the variety of music, and the sun, and the food, and the famous people that you see, and just the party in general that make Coachella something to get excited about. If this is you, if you are one of the ones that get it, then you should know that I really did want you there with us so badly. Truly, I thought of so many of you (you all know who you are) and wished that I could share my fun.
If you were there with us, then you would've been there to see the dude from Cage The Elephant wearing a dress and stage diving:
That picture doesn't do it justice at all. This one is better:
You also would've been able to experience this beef short rib burrito from the Koji Taco Truck. The flavors in that burrito were poetic, man- and I don't throw that word around a lot. (Mainly cuz it sounds cheeseball. But trust me when I say, that it's the best adjective for the job in this case).
And finally, you would have missed my most favorite memory from the whole weekend. I'll give you a hint: My favorite thing was not seeing The Strokes, or The Kings of Leon, or Damian Marley, or any of the bands. It wasn't hanging around famous people. It wasn't even the Koji Burrito.
Tell me this. If you were there with me, would you have run up and thrown yourself against him with all your might?
You know, this last year I've been thinking a lot about how lucky Mr. C and I are to have the people and connections in our lives that we do. When my oven breaks, I have a grandfather who (even at the age of 86) will come over, lay flat on his back on my kitchen floor, dismantle the innards of my oven and diagnose the problem as a broken ignitor, thus saving me hundreds of dollars and a call to the Maytag Man. When my brakes go bad, I call my brother in law who works for a mechanic and my problem is solved at a third of the cost that the dealership would charge. I have a friend and my mother in law who both happen to be hair stylists, so it's rare for anyone in our family to pay for a cut and ahem, color. And then there's my best friend who happens to work for AEG- an international company in the music industry who own concert venues all over the world. That's how Mr. C and I go to Coachella every year. And this last weekend, that's just what we did.
We had fun, but I got the impression from people at times who I told we were going to Coachella that they thought we were dumb- like we were too old to go and trying too hard to hang onto our youths. Or maybe that's just my insecurities reading too much into people's reactions.
My insecurities are annoying that way.
At any rate, if that in fact really was what a few people thought, then oh well. I don't worry about them because they don't get it. It's my friends who do get it that I was thinking about- the ones who understand that it's the variety of music, and the sun, and the food, and the famous people that you see, and just the party in general that make Coachella something to get excited about. If this is you, if you are one of the ones that get it, then you should know that I really did want you there with us so badly. Truly, I thought of so many of you (you all know who you are) and wished that I could share my fun.
If you were there with us, then you would've been there to see the dude from Cage The Elephant wearing a dress and stage diving:
We actually left the show a little early because I was nervous that he was going to try to dive on our side of the stage. I didn't want to drop him. Mr. C just didn't want a sweaty dude in a dress jumping on him.
Maybe you would've been braver.
You could have also watched The Black Keys, Kings of Leon, and Bright Eyes from right in front of the main stage, cuz you woulda had a V.I.P. all-access wristband pass. This would have also let you go backstage to the artist lounge and see lots of famous people. Now that I think about it, it actually would have been better if you were there with me, because it wasn't until after I was home browsing the internet that I realized I saw a ton of famous musicians without even knowing that they were famous musicians.
I know. I didn't deserve that wristband.
I know. I didn't deserve that wristband.
Anyway, you would have been with us when we were totally taken by surprise at the energy that Mumford and Sons got going. That band threw a PARTY that we didn't see coming. They are now one of my new favorite bands and it's on my bucket list to see them live again.
You would've been there to witness the beautiful sunset during Duran Duran's set:
That picture doesn't do it justice at all. This one is better:
You also would've been able to experience this beef short rib burrito from the Koji Taco Truck. The flavors in that burrito were poetic, man- and I don't throw that word around a lot. (Mainly cuz it sounds cheeseball. But trust me when I say, that it's the best adjective for the job in this case).
You woulda been able to relax in this pretty spot while waiting for Flogging Molly to come on:
Actually, no. This was kind of a romantic. You woulda had to get lost.
Kidding.
Finally, you would have been able to see The Strokes perform this song. It's one of mine and Mr. C's favorites, since it's from the soundtrack of that first summer we were hanging out together.
Untitled from Tacy Cauthron on Vimeo.And finally, you would have missed my most favorite memory from the whole weekend. I'll give you a hint: My favorite thing was not seeing The Strokes, or The Kings of Leon, or Damian Marley, or any of the bands. It wasn't hanging around famous people. It wasn't even the Koji Burrito.
It was this guy:
Tell me this. If you were there with me, would you have run up and thrown yourself against him with all your might?
Because I had to seriously repress the urge.
I really do wish you all were there. Mr. C and I had fun like we always do, but this year I really missed my friends. So here's what we're going to do: start saving your change and I'll start cleaning my house. By the time you have enough money for a ticket, I should have my house ready for guests. Mr. C will get the pool ready for you, I'll make some kick ass guacamole, and we'll have a great big Coachella party at my place next year before riding over to the festival. What do you say?
Have a good night!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Rejecting Reality
You know, I have never had a lot of luck with Spring Break. When I was in high school and too old to be satisfied with laying around in my pajamas all day watching soap operas, I begged and begged and BEGGED my parents to let me go away for Spring Break somewhere. I mean, with all the vast experience I had at the ripe old age of 15, I would have been okay- right?
Uh, yeah.
So you'd think that when we moved to Palm Springs after I graduated from High School, I would have had had plenty of opportunities to frolick in the sun and party it up with college kids from all over the nation.
Uh, no.
That year happened to be the year that Mayor Sonny Bono decided to put an end to the infamous Palm Springs Spring Break party. He closed down Palm Canyon Dr. and declared the week after Easter "FAMILY FUN WEEK". Hundreds of Spring Breakers drove in to discover a Ferris Wheel and kiddie rides set up on their main drag. Sadly, my bikini clad, baby-oiled self was left standing in the dust as they drove off and continued on to the River.
It didn't matter, anyway. Throughout my years of college, I had this thing called a J-O-B that I had to attend to. I worked through most of my Spring Breaks. There was only one year when I actually went away with a friend to Lake Havasu. It was a good time for a while. We met boys with boats. We met boys with Seadoos. We laid in the sun. We drank. We drank some more. Then we drank even more and THEN I got alcohol poisoning. For a souveinir that year, I ended up bring home some gnarly scars on my knees (that are still there) that I got from crawling all over a rocky beach because I couldn't stand up and walk. Attractive.
Long story short, that pretty much took the wind out of the Spring Break sails for me. (And that's without me telling you the cold cuts story from that trip. Don't ask. Ever.)
This year, my bad juju with Spring Break continued. For starters, Mr. C's district and the 4 nuggets' school district couldn't make things easy and just coordinate their vacation time. Nooooooooo. Mr. C was off the week before the kids. So while yes, this meant that I got to take advantage of him being home with Roo to get some Spring Cleaning done (oh, YAY), it also meant that the following week I would be left alone to entertain 4 kids ages ranging from 2 to 14.
all. by. myself.
Plus, it meant that any spring cleaning I accomplished would be immediately undone by said children in their time "off".
So, what did I do? I planned. I planned a trip to the LA Zoo. I planned a trip to my parents' cabin. I also planned a trip to the water park.
And what did Mother Nature do? She literally peed all over my plans because IT RAINED. It rained on zoo day. It rained on water park day. And yes, it rained down here on cabin day but up there in the mountains it was SNOWING. I don't drive in snow.
Just so you know.
Anyway, end result was we had a pretty boring Spring Break around here. We had one movie day and I tried to let the kids have friends over often. We squeezed in a trip to my grammy's, but all in all, it was a pretty uneventful week.
Then, this morning while the kids were eating breakfast, all that boredom must've really got to me, because something took over my brain and turned the conversation into this:
Me: So what are you going to tell your teacher was your favorite part of your vacation?
PG: I think going to M's birthday party was fun.
Me: Oh yeah! Are you going to tell her about the cake that they had there that was 40 stories high? And how we got to climb all the way to the top of the cake so we could dive off into a pool of strawberry whipped cream frosting?
PG: Whaaaaaaaaat?
Me: You don't remember? I can't believe you don't remember. What about the day that we went to the beach and saw that whale. Remember? Remember how we single-handedly saved it and got it back into the ocean? I bet your teacher will want to hear about that.
PG: Mom, what? No-
Me: And then they threw a parade for us and everyone was cheering and we got to ride on elephants that were borrowed from the circus. You made friends with the trapeze artist and she showed you how to do tricks on the trapeze. You don't remember?
PG: Because it didn't happen! (J, by the way, is looking both doubtful and hopeful that all this really did happen)
Me: It did. Remember? Then while you guys were in the parade, two talent agents from a big Hollywood agency saw you and decided that you had to be in the next Ironman movie. You guys did a whole scene with Ironman. J, you got to to fight Ironman! Tell me you remember this.
J: (grinning) Nooooooooooooo.
Me: (sighing) I don't know why I take you guys to do anything fun. You don't remember a darn thing.
You all think I'm crazy- and I totally am. But my kids know my sense of humor and they know when I'm messing with their heads. They were entertained and left the breakfast table with smiles on their faces. Me, I'm not sure what lesson I may have been teaching them. Maybe that lying is okay? Attempted brainwashing is entertaining? They should embrace insanity?
If anything, what I hope they got is that imagination is key to turning around a boring moment/boring life.
"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you anywhere."- Albert Einstein
You all have a good night.
Uh, yeah.
So you'd think that when we moved to Palm Springs after I graduated from High School, I would have had had plenty of opportunities to frolick in the sun and party it up with college kids from all over the nation.
Uh, no.
That year happened to be the year that Mayor Sonny Bono decided to put an end to the infamous Palm Springs Spring Break party. He closed down Palm Canyon Dr. and declared the week after Easter "FAMILY FUN WEEK". Hundreds of Spring Breakers drove in to discover a Ferris Wheel and kiddie rides set up on their main drag. Sadly, my bikini clad, baby-oiled self was left standing in the dust as they drove off and continued on to the River.
It didn't matter, anyway. Throughout my years of college, I had this thing called a J-O-B that I had to attend to. I worked through most of my Spring Breaks. There was only one year when I actually went away with a friend to Lake Havasu. It was a good time for a while. We met boys with boats. We met boys with Seadoos. We laid in the sun. We drank. We drank some more. Then we drank even more and THEN I got alcohol poisoning. For a souveinir that year, I ended up bring home some gnarly scars on my knees (that are still there) that I got from crawling all over a rocky beach because I couldn't stand up and walk. Attractive.
Long story short, that pretty much took the wind out of the Spring Break sails for me. (And that's without me telling you the cold cuts story from that trip. Don't ask. Ever.)
This year, my bad juju with Spring Break continued. For starters, Mr. C's district and the 4 nuggets' school district couldn't make things easy and just coordinate their vacation time. Nooooooooo. Mr. C was off the week before the kids. So while yes, this meant that I got to take advantage of him being home with Roo to get some Spring Cleaning done (oh, YAY), it also meant that the following week I would be left alone to entertain 4 kids ages ranging from 2 to 14.
all. by. myself.
Plus, it meant that any spring cleaning I accomplished would be immediately undone by said children in their time "off".
So, what did I do? I planned. I planned a trip to the LA Zoo. I planned a trip to my parents' cabin. I also planned a trip to the water park.
And what did Mother Nature do? She literally peed all over my plans because IT RAINED. It rained on zoo day. It rained on water park day. And yes, it rained down here on cabin day but up there in the mountains it was SNOWING. I don't drive in snow.
Just so you know.
Anyway, end result was we had a pretty boring Spring Break around here. We had one movie day and I tried to let the kids have friends over often. We squeezed in a trip to my grammy's, but all in all, it was a pretty uneventful week.
Then, this morning while the kids were eating breakfast, all that boredom must've really got to me, because something took over my brain and turned the conversation into this:
Me: So what are you going to tell your teacher was your favorite part of your vacation?
PG: I think going to M's birthday party was fun.
Me: Oh yeah! Are you going to tell her about the cake that they had there that was 40 stories high? And how we got to climb all the way to the top of the cake so we could dive off into a pool of strawberry whipped cream frosting?
PG: Whaaaaaaaaat?
Me: You don't remember? I can't believe you don't remember. What about the day that we went to the beach and saw that whale. Remember? Remember how we single-handedly saved it and got it back into the ocean? I bet your teacher will want to hear about that.
PG: Mom, what? No-
Me: And then they threw a parade for us and everyone was cheering and we got to ride on elephants that were borrowed from the circus. You made friends with the trapeze artist and she showed you how to do tricks on the trapeze. You don't remember?
PG: Because it didn't happen! (J, by the way, is looking both doubtful and hopeful that all this really did happen)
Me: It did. Remember? Then while you guys were in the parade, two talent agents from a big Hollywood agency saw you and decided that you had to be in the next Ironman movie. You guys did a whole scene with Ironman. J, you got to to fight Ironman! Tell me you remember this.
J: (grinning) Nooooooooooooo.
Me: (sighing) I don't know why I take you guys to do anything fun. You don't remember a darn thing.
You all think I'm crazy- and I totally am. But my kids know my sense of humor and they know when I'm messing with their heads. They were entertained and left the breakfast table with smiles on their faces. Me, I'm not sure what lesson I may have been teaching them. Maybe that lying is okay? Attempted brainwashing is entertaining? They should embrace insanity?
If anything, what I hope they got is that imagination is key to turning around a boring moment/boring life.
"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you anywhere."- Albert Einstein
You all have a good night.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Coffee With Jesus
Those of you who read me last year know that I've got me some religion. I wrote a whole post about my "coming to Jesus"story (it's ridiculous and not in the least enlightening, but if you want to read it go ahead and click here). Religion- or rather, spirituality- is something that I've carried with me for almost my whole life. Um, actually if we're being honest, sometimes I've carried it and other times I've put it down and walked away, though never completely. I usually stop and sheepishly inch back towards it, biting my nails and throwing furtive sideways glances the whole time before picking it up again and hurrying along on my way.
However, I can't quit it, because when you get to the bottom of it all, I've seen beauty in terrible things and I know there's order in the world's chaos and I've witnessed "coincidences" that I know were not coincidental but divinely designed. I know that the bible says to help each other and to love each other, and I know that when humans practice this, good things happen. I believe that all this is God.
But that's just me. You can do your thing, and that's fine with me. Maybe it's the public school teacher in me, but I don't have a problem with people having different beliefs. As a Facebook friend of mine put it, "Leave children and animals out of it, and we're cool". I think that philosophy, combined with the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing, is a good way to go.
Anyway, (I've gotten way off course) I didn't sit down to write about Jesus tonight. At least not directly. What I wanted to write about tonight was faith. Here's what I want to say about it: it's hard.
I mean, it's really hard.
Here's the thing: I love God, but you know, life is often confusing and I get frustrated sometimes at how elusive and invisible this guy is who's running the show. Why can't he make an appearance once and a while and let us rest assured that he's definitely there and watching over us? What's with the big mystery? Here's what I would like. I would love, love, love it if he would come down every once and awhile and have a little meet and greet with me, one on one. We could meet up at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. He'd order something clean and pure, like a White Jasmine Tea and although I'd really want something like a White Chocolate Mocha, I'd downgrade it to something less sinful- like a coffee of the day. He'd do that miracle thing and refill my cup when it was empty, and by the time we finished chatting I would feel equally enlightened and caffeinated.
This is what I would ask him: How am I doing? Am I a better person than I really think I am, or am I worse? Am I doing any permanent damage to my kids? Is it really THAT big a deal that the kids eat their vegetables, because the daily fights at the dinner table are killing me.... so can I lay off those? How am I doing as a wife? Did I choose the same guy that you chose for me? If I didn't, is the whole universe going to be affected somehow? Thank you God, by the way, for my kids. They are amazing. I am learning so much and I really do get that they are gifts from you. How about my stepson? How am I doing with him? How much more should I worry? Or should I stop worrying? Tell me what to do with him. Have I been a good enough friend? I haven't, have I? I'll get right on that. Can you help me learn to listen better? I talk about myself too damn-oh sorry- too dang much. One last thing Lord. Tell me, really- what does happen to those lost socks in the dryer?
I realize that I might've taken on a flip tone here. Truly, my intention is not to be blasphemous. I'm just trying to relate to you the difficulty I have with faith. And to point out that we all need encouragement. We need pep talks. It'd be nice to know which of what we're doing is right and which of what we're doing is wrong. The guesswork can be exhausting.
This whole thing reminds me of this really beautiful quote from the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". It says "Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards." To me, that's a really eloquent way of saying "figure it out for yourself". A huge part of the human experience, that part that shapes our character and our choices, is the fact that we're moving forward blindly, not knowing how things are going to play out. And I suppose, if I was to be really honest with myself, I'd have to admit that to know all the answers ahead of time would be to grey out the colors, the feelings, the emotions, of our daily life experiences. It'd be like reading the ending of a story and missing out on the weaving of the tale.
So I guess what I've learned through this whole little rant of mine is that Faith is a gift, also. Jesus doesn't show up for coffee because (duh) he's letting us learn and grow and experience life on our own. That's fine. Doesn't mean I don't want that chat anyway. I really would like to know what happens to those socks in the dryer.
You all have a good night.
However, I can't quit it, because when you get to the bottom of it all, I've seen beauty in terrible things and I know there's order in the world's chaos and I've witnessed "coincidences" that I know were not coincidental but divinely designed. I know that the bible says to help each other and to love each other, and I know that when humans practice this, good things happen. I believe that all this is God.
But that's just me. You can do your thing, and that's fine with me. Maybe it's the public school teacher in me, but I don't have a problem with people having different beliefs. As a Facebook friend of mine put it, "Leave children and animals out of it, and we're cool". I think that philosophy, combined with the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing, is a good way to go.
Anyway, (I've gotten way off course) I didn't sit down to write about Jesus tonight. At least not directly. What I wanted to write about tonight was faith. Here's what I want to say about it: it's hard.
I mean, it's really hard.
Here's the thing: I love God, but you know, life is often confusing and I get frustrated sometimes at how elusive and invisible this guy is who's running the show. Why can't he make an appearance once and a while and let us rest assured that he's definitely there and watching over us? What's with the big mystery? Here's what I would like. I would love, love, love it if he would come down every once and awhile and have a little meet and greet with me, one on one. We could meet up at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. He'd order something clean and pure, like a White Jasmine Tea and although I'd really want something like a White Chocolate Mocha, I'd downgrade it to something less sinful- like a coffee of the day. He'd do that miracle thing and refill my cup when it was empty, and by the time we finished chatting I would feel equally enlightened and caffeinated.
This is what I would ask him: How am I doing? Am I a better person than I really think I am, or am I worse? Am I doing any permanent damage to my kids? Is it really THAT big a deal that the kids eat their vegetables, because the daily fights at the dinner table are killing me.... so can I lay off those? How am I doing as a wife? Did I choose the same guy that you chose for me? If I didn't, is the whole universe going to be affected somehow? Thank you God, by the way, for my kids. They are amazing. I am learning so much and I really do get that they are gifts from you. How about my stepson? How am I doing with him? How much more should I worry? Or should I stop worrying? Tell me what to do with him. Have I been a good enough friend? I haven't, have I? I'll get right on that. Can you help me learn to listen better? I talk about myself too damn-oh sorry- too dang much. One last thing Lord. Tell me, really- what does happen to those lost socks in the dryer?
I realize that I might've taken on a flip tone here. Truly, my intention is not to be blasphemous. I'm just trying to relate to you the difficulty I have with faith. And to point out that we all need encouragement. We need pep talks. It'd be nice to know which of what we're doing is right and which of what we're doing is wrong. The guesswork can be exhausting.
This whole thing reminds me of this really beautiful quote from the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". It says "Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards." To me, that's a really eloquent way of saying "figure it out for yourself". A huge part of the human experience, that part that shapes our character and our choices, is the fact that we're moving forward blindly, not knowing how things are going to play out. And I suppose, if I was to be really honest with myself, I'd have to admit that to know all the answers ahead of time would be to grey out the colors, the feelings, the emotions, of our daily life experiences. It'd be like reading the ending of a story and missing out on the weaving of the tale.
So I guess what I've learned through this whole little rant of mine is that Faith is a gift, also. Jesus doesn't show up for coffee because (duh) he's letting us learn and grow and experience life on our own. That's fine. Doesn't mean I don't want that chat anyway. I really would like to know what happens to those socks in the dryer.
You all have a good night.
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