Those of you who read me last year know that I've got me some religion. I wrote a whole post about my "coming to Jesus"story (it's ridiculous and not in the least enlightening, but if you want to read it go ahead and click here). Religion- or rather, spirituality- is something that I've carried with me for almost my whole life. Um, actually if we're being honest, sometimes I've carried it and other times I've put it down and walked away, though never completely. I usually stop and sheepishly inch back towards it, biting my nails and throwing furtive sideways glances the whole time before picking it up again and hurrying along on my way.
However, I can't quit it, because when you get to the bottom of it all, I've seen beauty in terrible things and I know there's order in the world's chaos and I've witnessed "coincidences" that I know were not coincidental but divinely designed. I know that the bible says to help each other and to love each other, and I know that when humans practice this, good things happen. I believe that all this is God.
But that's just me. You can do your thing, and that's fine with me. Maybe it's the public school teacher in me, but I don't have a problem with people having different beliefs. As a Facebook friend of mine put it, "Leave children and animals out of it, and we're cool". I think that philosophy, combined with the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing, is a good way to go.
Anyway, (I've gotten way off course) I didn't sit down to write about Jesus tonight. At least not directly. What I wanted to write about tonight was faith. Here's what I want to say about it: it's hard.
I mean, it's really hard.
Here's the thing: I love God, but you know, life is often confusing and I get frustrated sometimes at how elusive and invisible this guy is who's running the show. Why can't he make an appearance once and a while and let us rest assured that he's definitely there and watching over us? What's with the big mystery? Here's what I would like. I would love, love, love it if he would come down every once and awhile and have a little meet and greet with me, one on one. We could meet up at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. He'd order something clean and pure, like a White Jasmine Tea and although I'd really want something like a White Chocolate Mocha, I'd downgrade it to something less sinful- like a coffee of the day. He'd do that miracle thing and refill my cup when it was empty, and by the time we finished chatting I would feel equally enlightened and caffeinated.
This is what I would ask him: How am I doing? Am I a better person than I really think I am, or am I worse? Am I doing any permanent damage to my kids? Is it really THAT big a deal that the kids eat their vegetables, because the daily fights at the dinner table are killing me.... so can I lay off those? How am I doing as a wife? Did I choose the same guy that you chose for me? If I didn't, is the whole universe going to be affected somehow? Thank you God, by the way, for my kids. They are amazing. I am learning so much and I really do get that they are gifts from you. How about my stepson? How am I doing with him? How much more should I worry? Or should I stop worrying? Tell me what to do with him. Have I been a good enough friend? I haven't, have I? I'll get right on that. Can you help me learn to listen better? I talk about myself too damn-oh sorry- too dang much. One last thing Lord. Tell me, really- what does happen to those lost socks in the dryer?
I realize that I might've taken on a flip tone here. Truly, my intention is not to be blasphemous. I'm just trying to relate to you the difficulty I have with faith. And to point out that we all need encouragement. We need pep talks. It'd be nice to know which of what we're doing is right and which of what we're doing is wrong. The guesswork can be exhausting.
This whole thing reminds me of this really beautiful quote from the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". It says "Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards." To me, that's a really eloquent way of saying "figure it out for yourself". A huge part of the human experience, that part that shapes our character and our choices, is the fact that we're moving forward blindly, not knowing how things are going to play out. And I suppose, if I was to be really honest with myself, I'd have to admit that to know all the answers ahead of time would be to grey out the colors, the feelings, the emotions, of our daily life experiences. It'd be like reading the ending of a story and missing out on the weaving of the tale.
So I guess what I've learned through this whole little rant of mine is that Faith is a gift, also. Jesus doesn't show up for coffee because (duh) he's letting us learn and grow and experience life on our own. That's fine. Doesn't mean I don't want that chat anyway. I really would like to know what happens to those socks in the dryer.
You all have a good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment