A Mother's Day Story

You all know how much I love stories.  I love to read them, I love to hear them, I love to watch them, I love to write them, I love to talk about them- you get the idea.  I also love to think about the idea that everyone and everything alive has a story- there’s something so attractive about that to me.  The idea that people make choices based on what’s happened in their past and that this shapes their future and other’s futures, and that this is how stories are made- I find it so powerful.  I may even go so far as to say that if everyone stopped and listened more compassionately to each other’s stories, this world may be a more peaceful place to be. 

So now that I’ve found the answer to world peace in the first paragraph of my post, I guess we can all go home now.   

Kidding.   I don’t want you to go yet, because I have a story for you today that has been silenced and I want to share it with you now.  I’m interested in telling this story mainly because the person in this story wasn’t able to talk about what she was going through for various reasons; some that were understandable, and some that were (in my opinion) just plain stupid.   Whatever the reasons, this person kept her focus, swallowed anger and vengeance, and just quietly kept her faith.  I think she deserves to be recognized.

So now I'd like to share her story with you.

The main character in this story I’m talking about here is a girl I know.  She’s been wanting to have a baby for over 5 years.  She comes from a large extended family full of girls, and when her sisters and cousins began marrying off, she was right there with them.  Yet when pregnancies started to be announced and nieces, nephews, and more cousins began to be born, it was she who stood alone at the end of it all, childless. So, she went to doctors and specialists and had blood drawn and did scans and charted and mapped and wondered and waited, and then they told her that she and her husband would probably never conceive.  This was sad news for the girl- while she loved being around her nieces and nephews, she wanted a baby of own.  Silently, she dealt with the painful fact that she’d never get to experience a pregnancy & childbirth of her own. 

Then she and her husband decided to adopt. 

Her well-meaning family and friends asked her the same question over and over again- “Why don’t you just try in-vitro fertilization?”  to which the girl had to reply over and over again, “Because I’m feeling in my heart of hearts that I’m supposed to adopt.”  This was fine, except that the girl started getting the impression that people didn’t feel like an adopted baby was as good as having her own baby.  This was hurtful and frustrating, but because she knew people were only trying to help, she remained silent about her feelings.   

Nonetheless, the girl and her husband moved forward with the adoption plan.  They found an agency, took out a loan for $25,000, submitted a portfolio, and then they waited.  They waited and waited, and finally one day they got a call informing them that a mother out in Florida wanted to give them her unborn baby.  This girl and her husband met the mother over the phone and liked her.  The woman liked them too, and so they agreed that in March they would fly out to Florida to be there at the baby’s birth. 

The next 9 months they spent getting ready for their new baby.  They painted a nursery, they bought clothes, they told their families.  They spoke with the biological mother on the phone each week.  Every time she assured them that, yes, she was ready to give them her baby. 

March came, and then it happened- The Big Call.  The mother informed them that she was going to be checked into the hospital for an inducement on Sunday.  This was Friday.  The girl and her husband excitedly called their families to let them know they were on their way to get their baby.  They packed 3 suitcases: one for the girl, one for her husband, and one filled with blankets, diapers, and teeny tiny clothes for the baby.  Then they drove to the airport, got on a plane, and flew to Florida. 

The first thing they did when they landed was call the hospital.  The hospital said that no one by that name had checked in.  They thought maybe they had called the wrong hospital, so they called another hospital, then another, all to no avail.  They called the mother.  The phone rang and rang.  They called the adoption agency.  The agency claimed to be as befuddled as the girl and her husband.  They drove to the apartment  where the mother had been living (and to where they had been sending her checks for rent and groceries). Her apartment was empty.  The doorman said he hadn’t seen her in days- furthermore, he was surprised to hear that she was pregnant.  

Not even pregnant?  The couple called the adoption agency.  How could the agency sponsor someone without knowing for sure that they were pregnant?  Where was the social worker who was supposed to serve as a liason between the biological mother and the agency?  The agency informed them that the social worker lived in another state- 300 miles away from the client she was supposed to be assisting.  The agency also refused to acknowledge any accountability on their part for the circumstances of this failed adoption.  Furthermore, the couple was told that if they put forth any disparaging comments about the agency in any type of public forum or form, they would be held in breach of contract and their full $25 K (of which the adoption agency got to keep half of anyway) would not be refunded.   The contract protected the agency, it protected the rights of the bio mother, but it did nothing to protect the rights of the young couple.

The couple stayed in Florida for a few more days, hoping for word from the mother- hoping that there had been a misunderstanding.  By Sunday it became clear that there were no misunderstandings, she did not give them the wrong hospital, she had not given them the wrong dates, she had just disappeared. There was not going to be a baby.  So they picked up their 3 suitcases, one for the girl, one for her husband, and one for the baby that was not going to be.   Then they flew home.

When they got home, the girl shut the door to the nursery.  She didn’t go in that room for a very long time. 

One or two years later, when her heart had healed up a little bit, she and her husband got the courage to talk about babies again.  Since they were still paying on the $25k loan that they accumulated for the failed adoption, they decided to this time adopt through the county.  So they took a deep breath and began the process of fingerprinting and taking class after class and signing paper after paper and doing home inspection after home inspection and jumping through hoop after hoop, until finally they got everything squared away. 

Then they waited again. 

On the day the call came, it was not for one baby.  It was not even for two babies.  It was for 3 babies- sisters actually, ages 3 and under.  The youngest was just an infant.  The girl was nervous.  Could she do this?  Should she take this on?  3 children at once!  She prayed.  She talked to her husband.  They prayed together, and then they decided to go ahead and do it. 

The first 6 months were not easy and nothing close to a fairy tale.  The girls were scared.  They were malnourished and confused.  They were terrified of the dark.  They didn’t know how to play.  They had health issues.  They had trust issues.  They missed their mom and dad and yet they were simultaneously scared of their mom and dad.

Some days the girl felt like she was going to lose her mind.  But gradually things started to get better. The girls were less fearful.  They loved playing with their cousins and her family took them in and loved them right away.  There were still things that were hard- the girls were needy almost all the time, which required more patience than most any person has.  But eventually the girl got used to her routine with her new little ones. They started calling her mama.  As for the baby, she knew no other mother.

Then, about a year later, the girl got another big call- this time it was from the county. They said that there had been a bureaucratic mistake and that the girls would most likely be going back to their mother.  This, despite the fact that the girls had been placed in an adoption program, not a fostering program.  Despite the fact that the girls had finally adjusted and had friends, preschool, a routine, and normalcy, they would be leaving- although the county was sorry to tell her that they didn’t know exactly when that would be happening. 

This is where I really would love to give you the background of the girls’ story, so you could understand how emotionally devastating it will be for them to go back at this point- how taking them from a safe environment where they have routines and safety and putting them back into the chaos that was their lives before is unimaginable to anyone who understands a child’s mind- but unfortunately, I can’t. That part of the story has to remain silent for now- mostly for the sake of the girl’s case- but also to protect their bio mother.  To that I say, what about this girl who’s been mothering them for the past year when they didn't have anywhere else to go?  Who is protecting her? 

If there was ever a reason for someone to be angry or resentful or bitter, I would think that this girl has earned full license, yet that’s not what she’s shown the world.  I’m sure she has her days when she’s filled with those negative emotions, but her focus has been on her faith throughout.  It’s been hard for her since now she has to enjoy her time left with the girls while guarding her heart as well.  She still doesn’t know when the county is coming to take them back.

So that’s where our story stands for now- except that while this isn’t a happy ending, something has happened that has made it a happier ending.    

Are you ready to see it?  I can’t wait to show you.

Here it is- she’s pregnant!  

That’s my niece or nephew, due to arrive next fall!  The girl is my sister and I am so proud of her.

Sis, not many moms get to earn their heart for mothering before they even hold their firstborn, but you have- 10 times over.  I love you and I love that little human inside of you.  However things end up with the girls, you have done the best you can by doing what you did- just loving them.  I know that's a story they'll hold close to their hearts forever.