Someone on Facebook tagged me in that meme last week. At first I didn't know how to feel, because I thought that so far I had been doing a halfway decent job of keeping the whole "insane" thing on the down low. I panicked a little at the thought of my secret being out. So when I saw that I was tagged along with a group of moms and that no one had actually seen that and thought of me and only me, I felt much better. I laughed because it's funny. Also though, I laughed because it's just so freakin' true. I can't tell you how many times I've done something as a parent because I thought it was the right thing, the sane thing to do, yet I ended up with an insane result. For example:
Sane behavior- Teaching my children to put their own shoes on at an early age to promote their own autonomy and streamline leaving the house.
Insane Result: Standing in the doorway and pleading"Did you get your shoes? Okay. Put them on. No, no, you don't need a jacket. It's 110 degrees outside. Put the jacket down and just put on your shoes. Please. PUT THE BACKPACK DOWN! WE'RE NOT GOING TO SCHOOL. IT'S SUMMER, REMEMBER? Please!!!! Your shoes, your shoes! Put them on!"
(I confess that I would be to blame in this scenario because I repeatedly make the mistake of expecting my children to do something in my time just because I asked them to. Their programming strongly resists such requests. I believe that's how bribing was invented. Somewhere back in the Paleolithic Age there was a cave mama holding out a nice juicy Teradactyl Wing and gesturing to her cave baby that he could have it, if only he'd put on his Saber Tooth Fur before going out.
By the way, I may be exposing my ignorance on the Paleolithic era by implying that Teradactyls or cave people existed together in time. Really though, does it matter? If my skimming over historical facts offends anyone, please feel free to correct me in the comments. Otherwise, lets move on.)
Sane behavior- Teaching my children to buckle their own seatbelts, thus promoting safety awareness and once again, streamlining trips out of the home and around town.
Insane result: Children get in the van and then for whatever reason, sit or stand around like they don't know what's going to happen next. Does this ever happen to you? In my case, I turn around in my driver's seat and say ""Guys? This is the part where mommy turns on the engine and we back out of the driveway. Put on your seat belts." Some days I can say this with a lot of patience. Other days I say it in a tone that suggests I've been possessed by Satan. Either way, I can always count on a loud protest coming from somewhere in the backseat if I let the van roll an inch before all seat belts are buckled. Seems that when this happens, one of my children become quickly convinced that they are going to die and that I am trying to kill them because we're (what a surprise) moving(!) and their seat belts aren't buckled yet.(!!!!)
And finally:
Sane behavior: Having the kids carry their folded laundry to their rooms where they sort it and put everything away in drawers. Yes, this teaches responsibility, but more importantly, it gives me some help with the dreaded, hateful, daunting task of laundry for a family of six.
Insane result: Laying awake on the couch at 4:30 in the morning and imagining conversations that my children might have with their future therapists about me. The therapist would say "So, tell me about your mother." And they would reply, "Well, she was okay. She had this weird hangup about the laundry. She'd get so mad at us about it. She was really kind of nuts."
I guess you need the backstory for that one.
It had been a long night in which 2 children had wet the bed. Actually, to be precise, they wet my bed. Mr. C has been gone for the last few days, and when that happens, I usually let them sleep with me. (By the way, you really don't need an explanation for this, but I have an irrational urge to give it to you anyway. Bedwetting is not usually the norm around here, but I had let them fall asleep while watching a movie, so they didn't use the bathroom before bed. They were overtired anyway and sleeping extra deeply, so I guess once again I'm the crazy one for not seeing this coming.)
Anyway, at 1 in the morning when I was helping J get fresh pj's and underwear on, I saw him turn around and throw the clean pair of underwear into the dirty clothes because he doesn't "like the way underwear feels at night". Now, anytime anyone around here throws something clean into the laundry hamper, I take it as a personal act of aggression towards me. So imagine my frustration when, 3 hours later, I was blindly going through Roo's drawers trying to find her clean pajamas and underwear and I found instead, little toys balled up inside wads of clothing that had been shoved into her drawers. Not surprising given that she's 3, but still frustrating because I had originally put the clothes away with her, and I know they didn't go in like that.
I stalked out to the living room to lay awake on the couch in the predawn hours, in exile of my pee-soaked bed, with the washer and dryer humming out their rythym in the next room and me fuming about the unfairness of it all. Was I crazy to even try to teach them to do this stuff on their own? Should I just start doing it all myself and save myself the frustration? Save myself the sanity? Save my children the future therapy bills?
I don't know the answer to any of this. I just know that on the day the asylum people come to take me away, it'll be bittersweet. Yeah, I'll be getting committed, which is a bummer. But on the upside, I'll be getting out of laundry duty.
Sweet relief. Where do I sign?
* Disclaimer- I notice I've become really fond of these disclaimers. It's because while I'm writing, I think about all the ways people can interpret this post. This give me a nice little space to address some of that. That said, I just want you all to know that while I often write about the stuff that I don't like about parenting, it doesn't mean that I don't like my kids. Sometimes people get that mixed up. So to be clear: I enjoy my kids. I love them. I like hanging out with them. I like learning from them. But I also like to give forum to the not so shiny side of parenting. I think it's important to talk about that part of it too. Okay? It keeps me sane.
Ish.
It keeps me sane-ish.
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