The Voices in my Head

Hey there!  Hope you all have eased nicely into summer.  Not to brag, but I think I may have had the easiest transition of anybody out there.  Matt took off on his annual Father's Day Camping Trip and I stayed behind.  As in, he took the kids and I stayed behind.

By myself.

Like, I didn't have to share the house with anyone. Or take care of anyone other than the dog. I didn't have to cook for anyone.  And while I didn't have to clean, I'll let you in on a little secret: I did it anyway.  Oh yeah, baby.  I cleaned.  Mama deep cleaned.  She deep cleaned goooooood.  She deep cleaned so good and-here's the best part-it stayed clean.  The house actually STAYED CLEAN FOR FIVE WHOLE DAYS.

I know.

I know!

Anyway.  Enough reliving the glory days.  They're all home now and the house once again looks like 4 kids and a dog live here.  It was great while it lasted.

So, officially, there are two reasons I stayed behind:
1)AYSO had one last registration for Roo, who will be playing soccer next year
2) I had some tutoring sessions scheduled.

The unofficial reason I stayed behind was:
1) I didn't really want to go
2)                                               

There is no number two.  I just didn't really want to go.

Listen, I am getting too old for this camping crap. And if we're really being honest, Matt and the kids probably have a better time when I'm not there.  As the official Family Funsucker, I make them do lame things like wash their hands and use hot water to clean the dishes.  So I don't think my presence was missed.  Besides, it's not like I'm of much help when I'm there.

See?  That's me "helping" last year.

Anyway, I didn't just get on here to brag about my five days o'solitude.  In fact, I want to confess something to you about those five days.  Something that took my by complete surprise.

I felt guilty.

It wasn't the kind of guilt where I felt like I was actually doing something wrong.  It was more of the kind of guilt where I worried what people would think.  I found myself justifying ridiculous judgements that buzzed around my mind all day like annoying little gnats.  Who was I to think I deserved five whole days to myself?  How dare I stick Matt with all the kids for such a long period of time? What if something happened to them and I wasn't there?  How could I let PG go to a camp where neither one of us knew anything about the people who would be taking care of her? (Did I mention that part?  Part of the trip was taking PG up for her second year at Hume Lake Wagon Train Camp.)

Isn't that nuts?

Ten years of Matt happily taking whichever kids were old enough off into the wilderness (and loving it enough to repeat it every year), and suddenly I was listening to my insecurities about whether that was okay.  Ten years of 9 going to Hume and having a blast- not to mention the fact that my mother in law, sister, cousins, and friends had also gone to the same camp and have had nothing but positive experiences- and now I was wondering if I was being irresponsible by letting PG go.

What's even crazier is that no one- NO ONE- had ever accused me directly of any of the above judgements, but here I was accusing myself.  Where did all this come from?

Well.  Obviously most of it is my own personal insecurities.  But those had to start from somewhere, so what was it?

I was pondering all this when my friend called.  She's pregnant for the first time and was calling me with a kid question.  (Also because she knows that I like to feel like an authority on stuff.  She remembers the bossy side of me from our growing up years and I love her for paying homage to it.)  She started the conversation with "I'd like your opinion on something because apparently people online are very opinionated-"

"Oh."  I interrupted, while nodding sagely. "Vaccinations?"

"No. Actually-"

"Breastfeeding then."

"No," she said. "Crib bumpers."

Crib bumpers? People are getting hot under the collar about crib bumpers.  Oh, my head.

And that's when I got it.  Those stupid voices of judgement that had been ruining my good time were judgements I'd heard from other people about other things.  None of them were directed at me but I'd gotten so used to living with the constant barrage of opinions that surrounds the world of parenting, that I'd internalized some of them.

Well, good.  That knowledge at least made it easier to throw those thoughts away.

Beyond that however, I had another realization.  The last few months I've made a conscience effort to live kinder and more graciously.  With this new epiphany, I realized that when I judge someone or something out loud- even when the things I'm judging aren't present- my words and actions plant themselves in other people's ears, like little worms.  And there they can feed off of other people's insecurities.  That's a really negative thing to throw out there into the world.

So I wrapped up the conversation with my friend.  (Yes, crib bumpers are fun when you're decorating your first nursery.  No, you are most likely not putting your child into harm's way by using them those first few immobile months.  Take them out when he starts rolling around, or sooner if you feel the need.  Yep, you're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay.  Yay!)

Then I enjoyed the rest of my time alone.

I visited a friend in L.A.

I read a really great book.

I had a wine party at the house with another friend.

I baked bread and took it over to my grandparents.

I hung out with my friend's girls when I needed a kid fix.

And through it all, my house stayed clean.





P.S.- And to go back to the crib bumpers for a sec- can we just stop it people?  Please.  Just stop it.