Well, we are smack in the middle of summer. For many people that means fun in the sun all day, every day. For me, it means it's time to deal with my phobia.
I've had lots of experiences with other people's phobias. I know how irrational they are. I have a friend who is afraid of birds. Every time I went to the beach with her, I got a full report every two minutes on the location of the nearest seagull stalking us. 9, for about two years of elementary school, was afraid of the wind. My niece is deathly afraid of dogs, and I......
I am afraid of the water park.
It's not the slides. I have no problem with the slides. It's the water I'm afraid of. More specifically, it's the idea of community water.
Everyone with all their sweat and hair and bodily fluids sharing water space makes me gag. Furthermore, while I know that I'm supposedly the one with the irrational phobia, what I really don't understand is why everyone else is okay with sharing community water. I can not describe the horror I feel when I see people sliding on their bellies along the floor of the wave pool, mouth open, eyes open, just swimming along. There are unidentifiable floaties down there, people! I see them all the time. Little brown things that sure, maybe, yeah could be a leaf..... but it could be something else infinitely more disgusting too. Why are you all okay with that?
And why doesn't it freak people out that at any given time, there are at least 10 different people PEEING in that water? I mean, ya'll are swimming and sliding around in water, some of which a short time ago, used to be inside someone else's body. Their urinary tract, to be exact. People are basically swimming in multiple urinary tracts. Disgusting.
Also, the baby lagoon. I can't figure it out. Parents who'll run to wash off a pacifier within nano seconds of it touching a floor are okay with wading around in the baby lagoon with their toddlers! WHY? I've had years of experience with the swim diapers, and trust me, they are not a guarantee against Code Brown. Code Brown will occur, people. It will and it does. Get out of the water.
Finally, there's one last thing that bears mentioning here-the innertubes. I know I said that it's the water I'm afraid of and it is, I swear it is, but the innertubes..... they're all warm and squishy and they make those farting sounds when you get on them and sometimes they have other people's wet hair stuck on their sides. Plus, you have to stick your butt down in the hole to float and sometimes your butt hits a warm spot. (Lazy River, I'm looking at you.)
So if you see a mom walking on her tip toes in the shallowest section of the wave pool, it's me. I'm minimizing the amount of skin to pool contact.
The lady laying like a plank across her inner tube in the Lazy River? That's me too, actively avoiding warm spots while minimizing skin-to-public-pool-float contact. It's one of my best moves.
And the nut job doing the deep breathing exercises while standing at the bottom of the kiddie slide to catch her child? Yep, that's me. Notice how I have the art of catching down to a science- lips sealed, head adverted to avoid the inevitable splash, a controlled rush to the side where the child is quickly deposited, and finally, a nimble jump out of the water that-if one is observing carefully enough- conveys just the slightest bit of panic.
I may look crazy, but know that in my head, you all are the crazy ones for being okay with swimming in a cesspit.
Thus is the rationale of the water park phobia.
I've had lots of experiences with other people's phobias. I know how irrational they are. I have a friend who is afraid of birds. Every time I went to the beach with her, I got a full report every two minutes on the location of the nearest seagull stalking us. 9, for about two years of elementary school, was afraid of the wind. My niece is deathly afraid of dogs, and I......
I am afraid of the water park.
It's not the slides. I have no problem with the slides. It's the water I'm afraid of. More specifically, it's the idea of community water.
 |
| I can deal. |
 |
| I can NOT deal. |
And why doesn't it freak people out that at any given time, there are at least 10 different people PEEING in that water? I mean, ya'll are swimming and sliding around in water, some of which a short time ago, used to be inside someone else's body. Their urinary tract, to be exact. People are basically swimming in multiple urinary tracts. Disgusting.
Also, the baby lagoon. I can't figure it out. Parents who'll run to wash off a pacifier within nano seconds of it touching a floor are okay with wading around in the baby lagoon with their toddlers! WHY? I've had years of experience with the swim diapers, and trust me, they are not a guarantee against Code Brown. Code Brown will occur, people. It will and it does. Get out of the water.
Finally, there's one last thing that bears mentioning here-the innertubes. I know I said that it's the water I'm afraid of and it is, I swear it is, but the innertubes..... they're all warm and squishy and they make those farting sounds when you get on them and sometimes they have other people's wet hair stuck on their sides. Plus, you have to stick your butt down in the hole to float and sometimes your butt hits a warm spot. (Lazy River, I'm looking at you.)
So if you see a mom walking on her tip toes in the shallowest section of the wave pool, it's me. I'm minimizing the amount of skin to pool contact.
The lady laying like a plank across her inner tube in the Lazy River? That's me too, actively avoiding warm spots while minimizing skin-to-public-pool-float contact. It's one of my best moves.
And the nut job doing the deep breathing exercises while standing at the bottom of the kiddie slide to catch her child? Yep, that's me. Notice how I have the art of catching down to a science- lips sealed, head adverted to avoid the inevitable splash, a controlled rush to the side where the child is quickly deposited, and finally, a nimble jump out of the water that-if one is observing carefully enough- conveys just the slightest bit of panic.
I may look crazy, but know that in my head, you all are the crazy ones for being okay with swimming in a cesspit.
Thus is the rationale of the water park phobia.
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