On Her 8th Birthday

Dear Gracie Kay,

     Tomorrow when you wake up, you will be 8 years old.  It follows then, that when I wake up in the morning, I will have been a mother for 8 years.  How we got here together is by one of the many puzzling dichotomies that is parenting: How can it be that I feel like I've been your mama since forever and still feel like these last 8 years have lasted as long as the flash on my camera?  
By the way, I'm using my college words today.  I guess I should tell you what "dichotomy"means, in case you read this before you go off to college.  A dichotomy is when something is twofold- it's one whole part, but it can be divided into two seperate and often conflicting truths.(And if you're reading this after you've gone to college and you still didn't know what a dichotomy is, then I'm sorry.  That would mean that you're probably got stuck at a state school because your daddy and I couldn't afford to send you anywhere else. Sorry 'bout that.)  

     Anyway.  Dichotomies.  Parenting is full of them- that and cliches.  It's the best job I've ever had, it's the hardest job I've ever had.  It fills my heart with joy, it fills my heart with fear.  The days are long, the years are short, and man how we've loved watching you these last 8 years!  Your world is getting bigger and it's coming at you fast, baby girl.  You've been handling it beautifully.  But this last year, I've seen a bit of a change in you- a hesitation.  A little bit of your confidence seems to have gone and I wonder what part of the big bad world did that to you?  Was it a friend?  A teacher?  Was it me?  You see Gracie, this is the kind of thing that will keep me, your mama, awake at night.  Because of everything, everything, that I want for you to have intact when you go out and give life on this crazy blue marble a whirl, your confidence is absolutely the biggest, most important thing.
 

     I know this is a cliche (I told you, parenting is filled with them), but if I could have anything for you, I would wish that you could see yourself the way that I see you.  You are such a unique individual.  I love your sense of style.  You are vintage classic all the way, from your love for black and white movies to your obsession with obtaining a crystal chandelier for your room.  How many other little girls are that cool that young?  When you were around 2, your daddy and I started calling you our voodoo princess because you found a bracelet made of skull beads that belonged to your brother.  You put it on and wore it for a month straight. And girl, you owned that look!   You wore it with skirts and ruffle socks one day, and then with denim and a t-shirt the next.  How'd you know how to do that- to put a feminine spin on non-girly stuff? We were in awe, and still are.

     Here's another thing we love: how creative you are in creating little minature worlds- remember last year when you drew plans for you dream house?  You worked on it for months- taking the same worn piece of paper out and sketching on another room or garden whenever an idea struck you.  That's perseverance!  Don't lose that.  And another thing, when you were little you took the cutlery and cups from your play kitchen, lined the cups up outside your door, stuck silverware in the cups, and hung colorful teacups upside down on them.  That was your garden, you informed us.  We weren't to move it because you wanted to keep it pretty outside your bedroom door.  So we didn't.  We let your "garden" stay there for weeks, shaking our heads and marveling at your imagination.

     But of all your gifts: beauty, intelligence, creativity, I think perhaps the greatest is your gift for empathy to others.  You are incredibly thoughtful towards other's feelings- human and animals alike.  I think this gift is what is going to help you make your mark on the world- but I'll leave that to the future to decide.  For now, I just want to tell you that I'm proud of this kindness you possess.  No one else in our family but you can actually make me feel bad for my negative attitude towards the cat.  That's the bar you set- and truth be told, when I soften my attitude towards the evil kitty, it's not for the kitty's sake, it's for yours.  I'm just trying to rise to your expectations and abilities.  (Er, most days I try. Some days I don't get there, but we can blame the cat for that.  She's just so mean sometimes.)

Now.  The future You may read this and try to deny it- deny how wonderful and amazing you are.  Don't do that.  Every word I say is true and I can say this because I know you.  I know you because it's been you and me, from the moment I learned of your existence and began going about my days with you in my constant thoughts.  I held my breath in traffic so I wouldn't inhale car fumes, for goodness sake. And I'm only confessing to that kind of crazy behavior to make my point, which is from the moment I knew you were with me, I've put you in my heart and tried to make the best decisions for both of us.  Tomorrow I'll light the 8th candle on your birthday cake and when you close your eyes to make your wish, I'll close mine and make one too.  This is what it'll be:  May you always know how beautiful you are, inside and out.  Don't ever forget it.  Own it.  If the world tells you otherwise, then the world is wrong.  Know yourself,  know how wonderful you are, and cloak yourself in that wonderfulness.

Listen to your mother.

You are my heart.

Mom.